


so I throw stones at walls I'll never climb

by aureshadow



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Envy is definitely not jealous of humans, Gen, Homunculi, I needed more homunculi centric works that didn't shy away, One Shot, Sad, envy centric, from the horrible things they've done, homunculi centric, manga exists in the fmaverse and envy canonically reads it, nope - Freeform, not at all, rated teen and up just for swearing, so i wrote it myself, while still being sympathetic to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:36:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28816464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aureshadow/pseuds/aureshadow
Summary: Envy used to have debates like that with Lust.An absurd picture popped into Envy’s head of having a pseudo-angry conversation like that with someone who wasn’t a sibling. A human. Having someone look at them like that couple looked at each other. Something in their chest contracted.“Pride’s really driving me crazy now, huh,” they muttered. “Imagine me, Envy, stooping down to the level of those worms.” Their eyes watered a little - they hadn’t slept too much.~~~Mrs. Bradley wants her son to make friends, and Pride enlists Envy to be a fake friend. Envy isn’t good at acting - not like Pride is. Not like Lust was. But they’ll try their best, and they’ll make Father happy. If it’s unpleasant, they’ll use memories of inflicting horrors of humans to cheer themself up. An exploration of Envy’s relationship with Pride, grief over Lust, and resentment towards humans for the unconditional love that Envy never had.
Relationships: Envy & Father (Fullmetal Alchemist), Envy & Lust (Fullmetal Alchemist), Envy & Pride (Selim Bradley), Mrs. Bradley & Pride (Selim Bradley)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 30





	so I throw stones at walls I'll never climb

**Author's Note:**

> Had a lot of fun writing this - I really wanted to explore little details of the FMA world, as well as Envy's denial of their jealousy and need for love. Special thanks to TheTypingWalrus for beta-ing! 
> 
> Title taken from Hourglass by Set It Off.
> 
> Comments and concrit always appreciated!

“You’re late.” Pride’s metallic voice echoed through the chamber.

“Oops.” Envy shut the door behind them, enjoying the crackling sensation of shifting to their preferred form. They grinned dramatically as their hair spilled over their headband, and Wrath rolled his eyes. “Why are we meeting, anyway? This isn’t our usual time.”

“Wrath and I have an assignment for you. As you know, Annelise Bradley has her son--me--do group music lessons because she wants me to have friends my age.”

He’d referred to himself as Mrs. Bradley’s son, Envy noticed.

“Oh? Having fun with that? Bonding with other toddlers over learning your scales?”

“Envy--” Wrath snapped, but Pride held up a hand.

“Relax, brother. As I was saying, she’s asking if I’m connected with any of the other children and I made up a boy named Karl. I’ll need you to pose as him soon, and come over to the mansion for playdates.”

“Playdates?” Envy repeated. “I can’t believe you’re saying that with a straight face. I’ve known you for almost two centuries and this _family_ bullshit is your dumbest role yet.” 

Wrath clenched his fist. “Stop wasting our time and listen to your orders like the rest of us.”

“As I was saying,” Pride continued airily, “Mrs. Bradley does not know too much about Karl Seversky, as I thought you might like to create a personality for him yourself. What she does know is that you’re in the third grade, play the violin, and like the _Julius the Conqueror_ series. We’re going to need to help you, since we all know that you aren’t nearly as good at acting as I am.”

Before Envy could snap back, a shadow tendril clamped their mouth shut.

“I want you to make a list of this character’s traits by tomorrow at fifteen-hundred, where the three of us will meet again to practice our roles. The first time you visit the estate will be next week. I’ll be reporting your progress to Father. Understood?” Pride freed Envy’s mouth.

Some unknown, visceral feeling built up in Envy’s chest and they pushed it away. “Yes, Pride.”

It didn’t matter what they thought--they had a job to do, they were part of a unit, and they were going to be useful. They were going to make Father proud.

~~~

“Name: Karl Seversky,” Envy read aloud. “Age: Eight. School: Central City Private Academy for Boys. Hobbies and interests: Violin, kriegball, chess, and mangas like _Julius the Conqueror_. Personality: Well-behaved and very charming towards adults.”

Wrath snickered. “Have fun pulling that one off.”

Envy made sure their face did not redden. 

“Good work. It’s important that Karl’s interests are topics you’re familiar with so that it’s easier to perform them for our audience. While a disobedient prankster may be easier for you to play, I’d like not to disappoint my mother too much,” said Pride. “You may not have as much acting experience as me, but I’ll help you. Do not mess this up.”

~~~

Role practice was boring. Envy didn’t even get to fake cry.

“It’s wonderful that you and Selim sit together during your violin lessons!” said Wrath, and Envy would’ve thought his smile was sincere if it wasn’t the same one he wore every day as Fuhrer. “Do you like your classes?”

“Yes, sir. We’re currently working on a Mendelssohn etude and a piece from Bruch.”

“What else do you like?”

“I love reading _Julius the Conqueror_ and also playing chess! Selim said you had a set at your house.”

“Yeah, let’s go play!” said Pride in a more convincing child-voice than Envy could ever pull off. He made a show of tugging Envy along. “Good work, you two. Wrath, you’re dismissed.”

Envy shifted back into their usual form. “This is a lot of work all to fool one stupid woman. She _loves_ little children, doesn’t she? I wonder if I--”

A shadow tendril slammed Envy to the wall. Their eyes widened.

“Envy the Jealous,” scolded Pride with a dangerous calmness, “I know how much you love playing your ‘pranks’ on humans, but if you even think about laying a finger on Annalise Bradley, I will make you wish Father never created you.”

~~~

Soon before Greed left, he and Gluttony had gotten into a fight that had ended with Gluttony crying, Greed standing over him. Pride wasn’t there to break it up, but Lust had jumped in front of Gluttony, pinning Greed to the wall with her talons. That protective look in her eyes was rather rare, Envy realized. It was similar to how Pride looked when talking about Mrs. Bradley.

~~~

A little before Amestris’s first war with Aerugo, Envy and Lust had lounged in a hotel room, congratulating themselves on finishing a mission - a politician had gotten in the way of Father’s work, and they’d successfully gotten him convicted of murder.

“Nice crying on cue, little sibling,” Lust had said. “I thought you couldn’t do that.” If Envy tried to construct tears, the transmutation lights would give it away.

Envy brightened at the praise. “Yeah, the facial expressions are hard. But when a role calls for crying, I think about children falling. They’re tears of laughter, but no one can tell the difference.”

Lust was gone now, thanks to a a stupid colonel Envy wasn’t allowed to kill.

~~~

“You’re to exit the Clara Mendelssohn Memorial Building at seventeen-hundred today as Karl with me,” said Pride. “You will get in the car with my chauffeur and spend three hours in the mansion, including dinner. A car will pick you up at twenty-hundred.”

Envy made a show of looking annoyed.

~~~

Envy’s favorite coffee shop in Central was the Dandelion Cafe on 21st Street. The baristas there knew them as a pretty black-haired woman who always ordered their Xingese-inspired blends. Everyone knew that Dandelion “Xingese” drinks were sugary ripoffs to make money, and that _cha_ just meant “tea” in Xingese, but they were good as hell.

“Your usual?”

Envy nodded.

Finding a seat, they opened up their notebook to reread their notes. _No baby language. Use shorter sentences. Have a short attention span - pretend to be distracted easily, but not too much. A child in the Fuhrer’s home would be a little more behaved._

Sip. 

The perfect mixture of spicy, sweet, and bitter. At the table next to them, a young couple was hotly debating some science nonsense.

“I’m telling you, some Drachman alchemists have been able to create Moscovium in a lab. It should be added to the periodic table.”

“And how exactly do we know that isn’t just Drachma trying to influence our country?”

_At school, children are taught to worship the Fuhrer. When you see Wrath, act scared and awed and don’t speak much. When he’s not present and you’re with Annalise Bradley, ask her lots of questions about her husband._

Sip. 

“Drachman interference? With _forged alchemy discoveries?_ You’re fucking kidding me. So you think Period 7 just _happens_ to lack some elements?" 

Envy used to have debates like that with Lust.

An absurd picture popped into Envy’s head of having a pseudo-angry conversation like that with someone who wasn’t a sibling. A human. Having someone look at them like that couple looked at each other. Something in their chest contracted.

“Pride’s really driving me crazy now, huh,” they muttered. “Imagine me, Envy, stooping down to the level of those worms.” Their eyes watered a little - they hadn’t slept too much.

Sip. 

Mustang killed Lust.

Envy’s older sister had been one of the most dangerous people they knew. Lust had taught them how to fight, back when they’d just been born. They never really understood why humans considered women as weaker beings that needed protection - the silly humans needed protection from her.

A _worm_ had made Lust burn. Made her scream and crumble to dust in defeat. 

_Focus,_ Envy berated themself. 

Sip.

_Show fascination with his accomplishments. Did King Bradley really take out a whole tank by himself during the Galiciv annexation? Tell me about how he used terrain to win the Battle of Burgundy, that’s so cool! What’s he like? Does he tell you all those crazy stories? Does he teach you those fighting moves? Do you help him?_

“You adorable fucking _idiot!_ ” the woman at the next table said. 

Sip.

“Keep it down, you two,” they snapped. The couple shut up, but continued giving each other that repulsive lovey-dovey look that made Envy’s blood boil.

They were really grieving over Lust today, huh?

~~~

Their chauffeur was disgusting.

 _The way he looks at you like you’re a precious little child is beyond sickening,_ they wanted to tell Pride. _You’re the least cute person in the world. And I can’t stand the way he looks at me like I’m nothing but Selim Bradley’s friend. A pitiful little human pipsqueak. I’m a_ monster _, I’ve massacred thousands while laughing. I wish he’d quake in fear._

Karl Seversky was only 125 centimeters. _I hate being this short,_ they’d complained.

 _Shut up,_ Wrath had answered.

Envy glanced at their expression in the rearview mirror - much too unpleasant. They wiped the grimace from their face. _Think about children falling._ Pathetic little human children crying out as they stumble to the ground. 

Another image Envy liked to hold in their mind was shooting the Ishvalan child, starting the Ishval civil war. That rush of power, of control.

“The silly humans would’ve fought even without that gunshot,” Lust had laughed, but Envy liked the idea that they’d singlehandedly started such a bloody event. 

This mission was an unpleasant one, but it was no matter. They may act difficult, but Father knew that they got their jobs done. 

~~~

When Envy was two, or maybe twenty, they’d stuck a hand in fire.

They didn’t remember what the mission was, but it probably involved Lust laughing as she impaled people. It was winter, and the two had stayed in a small house with a hearth that Lust lit. Envy had never seen one before.

The flickering flames were fascinating. They looked like little beams of light, translucent pieces of cloth flapping. It reminded Envy of a veil that Lust had worn once. It warmed up the whole house, but they expected something so light to be cold. They stuck their hand in it.

They felt nothing at first. Then the pretty flames started to sting and bite and _burn_ and oh Truth, it hurt. Envy screamed. They withdrew their hand and Lust came running and their skin was regenerating as it burned.

Lust smothered the flames and pulled Envy into a hug. 

“Sister, that hurt. It hurt so much.”

“Don’t stick your hand in fire, silly. We only inflict that kind of pain on humans.”

Lust never made made fun of them for that incident, even though they’d cried. 

Envy imagined standing in front of that idiot Colonel Mustang as he snapped his fingers and they died, over and over, screaming. Of course, that would never happen.

They imagined their sister burning, her whole body aflame. Her flesh trying to put itself back together as it burned away and she screamed. Fire hurt so much. 

Envy wished they could sew their eyes shut to block out the image.

~~~

“Now that our _talented_ spy is dead, you’re going to need to step it up,” Father had told Envy. 

~~~

“I’m so glad Selim’s made a friend!” 

Envy tried not to gag at the way Annalise Bradley gushed over the two “children.” At least the cookies she’d made for them were delicious - chocolate cream tarts were the best. 

She kissed Pride’s forehead. “How do you like your violin classes, Karl?”

What had Pride done to earn that kind of affection? It’d taken Envy years of missions, of not messing up, for Father to say he loved them. 

Envy finished off their share of tarts and reached into Pride’s - so much for awed politeness. “I love them! Miss Josephine is much nicer than my private teacher. I like to play kriegball with Selim and the other kids after class.”

 _Don’t glare, don’t look angry._ Envy held onto the amusing picture of children falling, of their pathetic little parents who would fawn over them. Father never did that for Envy, thank goodness. Envy wasn’t a worm.

“That war game? It’s so cute seeing you children emulate our military’s practice through ball games. My husband’s initiative really paid off, didn’t it? Our little boys, practicing for when they’ll defend our country.”

That stupid lovey-dovey look again. It reminded Envy of Maes Hughes, but the memory was enough to keep the repulsion out of Envy’s face. They remembered standing over the defeated human, his blood washing over his photo of his family - Envy craved that sense of triumph.

“I also like to play chess. Selim said you have a set. Can we play?”

“Of course! It’s in his room.”

~~~

Back then, maybe Pride would’ve comforted Envy when they stuck their hand into a fireplace. Pride wouldn’t lift a finger now.

~~~

“You didn’t act scared enough of King Bradley,” Pride said once his ‘mother’ was out of earshot. 

“Are _you_ scared of our little brother?

“The questions to Annalise were good,” Pride continued, “Especially the ones about the Battle of Galiciv. And when meeting the Fuhrer, it’s good you remembered to address him with _sir_. But your facial expression wasn’t believable enough.”

Envy sighed dramatically. “When can I leave? I need to feed our dog - I mean Dr. Marcoh.” 

(Lust wasn’t in charge of Dr. Marcoh anymore.)

“Pull yourself together, Envy. You’re our shapeshifter and you’ve done much less important roles than-” Pride broke off.

 _Than Lust and I have._

“Than our younger brother and I have. Remember that time Greed blew his own cover in Fiske?”

Envy did, vividly. The siblings had carved the crest of blood at Fiske in 1799, back when starting a war wasn’t as simple as shooting a child.

It was the first time they tried using religion to start one. They’d helped a man named Bernhard Rothmann gain enough influence until he and his followers started an uprising. Greed was supposed to be his right hand man, but he’d had an affair with Rothmann’s wife and ended up revealing that the homunculi never intended to keep him alive. It’d taken lots of quick murders on Pride’s part to patch that up.

“You could’ve at least let me kill Rothmann. I had the look of his mother down pat. I didn’t even get to see the look on his face!”

“ _You_ need to make sure you’re not fucking up like Greed did. I had a lot of fun taking away his possessions as punishment.”

Father had been angry. Envy hated when Father was angry.

It’d gotten better after he created Wrath, but Envy would _not_ make Father angry. 

“I won’t.”

~~~

No, Pride was right. Envy had a job to do. They’d get it done, and they wouldn’t be a crybaby about it.

Crying was something humans did. Envy bet that Annalise Bradley cried a lot, that stupid, soft human who kissed her son when he hadn’t done anything to earn it.

(When that Mustang filth murdered Lust, had she cried?)

Humans _loved_ and _cared for_ each other. What silly concepts. Those pathetic worms deserved to be killed by Father. 

Of course Envy wasn’t jealous of human scum. No, they weren’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! My FMA sideblog is @envythepalmtree if you want to connect! And again, any kind of comment or feedback is appreciated. :)


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